D&D being the complex game that it is, it sometimes becomes necessary to resolve a rules question by consulting a towering intellect whose piercing logic and keen insight dwarfs your own puny and paltry efforts at organized thought. That would be me. I, Agimimnon, shall answer your D20 Dungeons and Dragons questions, bringing order to chaos, civilization to barbarism, and comprehension to the unenlightened. You may adore me now. All questions related to the game shall be entertained, although only my capricious whim determines which shall appear in this column. While the ideal supplicant should be well-mannered, well-lettered, and praise me continually, fear not if you are an uncivilized savage or lack basic English skills. I am only too happy to bring the flaming sword of my wit to bear upon unwashed animals who lack proper respect, and the masses do so love a good public execution.

Send your questions to agimimnon@3rdedition.org

Planetouched and weapon proficiencies.

In which an Orc mysteriously gains internet access.

A player dares to ask for a reprieve, but his question betrays his ignorance.

Agimimnon returns, finding all dismally similar to when he left.

Questions from a DM.

It doesnt work. Denial isnt just a river in Egypt.

The questioner demonstrates the answer.

A player gets uppity. A DM gets mad. Let the wrath begin!

A rogue. A giant. An opposed grapple check. This does not end well.

There's a reason accountants are rarely philosophers...

Sometimes you just want to crack a stupid person on the head with a two by four...

A non-stop thrill ride through the land of illusions and fear spells! Hold onto your hats!

A feinting rogue getting full sneak attack on all his attacks every round? Something smells fishy...

When it comes to stacking, some people never learn.

Apparently, people really are this dense. Let me try again...

Wherein DM seeks to give his Divine Casters far too much power.

When is a Plus not a Plus? When it's a Masterwork.

Chains of love. The adventure of one young lad who never learned to read.

Player not understanding AoO's or a Rogue DM? You decide...

Druids attack with Extended Creeping Cold fronts. Warm Fronts to thesouth. Possible storms in the future. Details at 11.

Would it be unbalancing to allow a Wizard to research spells with themetamagic feats built in? Short answer - Yes.Long answer - Yes it's unbalancing, you silly man.

What happens when someone allows their players too much freedom? When theplayers, not the DMwrite the stories? Complete chaos and boredom all around? Indeed.

Does a bow really allow you to add your dexterity modifier to damage? Is this another example of someone who didn't read the Players Handbook?

Can a native English speaker really know nothing of English legend andliterature? Check this guy out. WARNING: A reference is made to the March 2, 2001 Ask Agimimnon in thisarticle. Keep your hands, feet, and head inside the vehicle at all timesduring operation.

After an prolonged billet on the proverbial back-burner, due to incursionsof other duties and my own penchant for cunctation, the 100th Agimimnon ishere. Don't like my schedule? Send me an email griping about it. I'll getto it eventually in what will certainly be verbally tantamount to a delayedblast fireball.

A narrowly averted tongue-lashing, an answered question (as always), and a challenge.

Agimimnon reveals the proper use of whips, but not chains. No, it's notwhat your sick little minds have imagined, but I did get your attention!Read up.

Four thousand years down, another thousand to go. Why did I ever spout offall those centuries ago? Can't I get an early out for good behavior?

When you search and cannot find, I have the answer. Just be prepared forthe "D'oh factor", when I must point out the obvious.

Dearest Agi,

We are nearing the 100th Agimimnon publication! What will you do to commerate this wonderous event?

Jim
www.3rdedition.org

This question touches on an issue or two that is likely to make itsway into the upcoming Agimimnon's Frequently Asked Questions andUnquestionable Answers. Of course, I spend more time on the questions thatmany of you have, rather than the ones asked in this particular instance.

It has been too long since I last made my mark on the gaming community. Ihave been invovled with other concerns, like having my knowledge about theancient world thoroughly ignored by Chuck Russell. You will however, bepleased to note that I am back. And today I am dealing with an issue withwhich all of you are or will become familiar.

One troubled ranger tracking a favored enemy. Should he be given advance knowledge of what it is he is facing? Agimimnon outlines his much-vaunted opinion.

Ah, yes. Electronic bagsful of mail lie digitally festering in my inbox, and what do I find? This little gem of venomous imprecation! (The wizened Agimimnon cackles lecherously.) Here is one schoolgirl who could stand to learn a lesson or two in articulate malediction.

Those ancient reptilian remains really do reside in the new Monster Manual, but be prepared for a careful excavation and a few bent rules.

Ah, a repentant weak-willed DM asking how to scrape the mess he's made of his game off his boots. Or how to nerf the PCs without letting them know it.

You can do some funky things with D&D and boredom. Some of you may not have been aware of this variant of play: the PCs *will* die, but how? And how soon? Oh yes, and one DM who should have let one bit of bad luck cancel out another.

If your PC is a minotaur, does it really make sense to write me asking a question whose answer is easily discovered in the DMG? Agimimnon on Earth! Are you people born without a cerebral cortex?

There may be a reason Tenser's Floating Disk isn't named Tenser's Personal Levitational Conveyance. Wanna find out why?

There are some who say all information should be free. It is not. Of course, none of those same people wants you to know what transpires in the privacy of their own bedrooms. What does this have to do with D&D? Come and see. Yes, I'm a poet. Yes, I know it.

I like game-slaves--I mean DM assistants--don't you? Today we'll give some more tips on that subject and also deal with some inquiries about magical weapon availability. It's DM day today.

The monumental question, source of mind-scarring conflagration and camp follower disappointment, remains to be answered: "What the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks happened to our beloved sage Agimimnon?" What follows is an eyewitness account of my "abduction", and the "perfectly scientific" explanation. And, um . . . er . . . ah, an apology. Blast and besoil this elder curse of munchkins!

Apparently, I caused as many questions as I answered with my interpretationof the Ready Action rules. No matter, I will elucidate.

This one is likely to twist all of you into loops as you compute the implications, both for and against the proposed interpretation of the rules for readied actions.

As some of you already know, a rather heated debate has been going on in theforums about a "use-activated" wondrous item imbued with True Strike. Someof you argue that this item would only cost 2000 gp to make, and others havea firmer grasp on reality. I've been asked to step in and give a ruling.

Yet again, I get to blast Morpheus for stupidity. I almost pity the fellow.

A question easily answered, but the question is will the answer be liked? I don't care because I am right.

I'm going to answer a few minor questions within the next week or so. Doany of you have a problem with that? I dare you to write in and complain .. .. Heh.

I can't believe that you people keep sending me these excremental questions.My nose burns from the mephitic (lack of) quality in this latest letter.

You know a fan is either desperate or extremely devoted when he creates an email address of pleasehelpmeagimimnon@______ just to ask me a question. Ithink his originality at least deserves an answer, yes?

My condolences to those of you who scan my articles for good insults to useon your junior high buddies, there's not going to much content for you thistime. Put your notebooks away. For the rest of us, however, this columndiscusses some useful tips for having a DM's Assistant.

"Hey, let's go find a monster that didn't actually make it into any of therule books, make a player character out of it, and bend the rules to thebreaking point just to see if our DM is stupid enough to allow it." Mymunch-meter just pegged out. Pray to whichever god you think will give youthe most bonuses and prepare to die.

Stupid and tractable. That's the way the politicians like theirconstituents. I suggest a little civil disobedience: learn to think, speak,and write! Down with the NEA and socialized education!

No one is going to get the pun in the title unless he happens to be a fan ofboth D&D and the Lemonheads. I have mentioned that I'm used to being theonly one in a crowd who catches my type of humorous reference.

WARNING: Morpheus and his Error Inquisitors are going to need to spend a fewbucks on Tome and Blood if they want to scour this article for allegedmistakes.

Sometimes I wonder if someone doesn't have a roomful of blind monkeysendlessly typing stupid questions to ask me. I doubt they'll make it toShakespeare anytime soon, so we might as well make some use of theirfruitless dribble, eh?

Yes, I know the reference in the title is a tad obscure; so are the many badpuns and word-plays I spread throughout many of my columns. That's finehowever, as I'm quite accustomed to being the only patron in the theater(that's a clue) laughing at Agimimnon Brand (tm) humor. The Larch.

I know that there are many of you whiny think-of-the-children types outthere just waiting to pounce on any mistake I might make and carry the proofaround like a dead animal trophy. Perhaps you've felt the razor edge of mytongue yourselves or you just feel inordinately sorry for the stupidity ofothers. For all of you people, and you know who you are, here's a littlehint: don't jump too soon.

No, the title has nothing to do with the subject, or does it? Ha! Nowyou're all interested, so you'll just have to click the link to discoverwhat's going down.

Does quoting taglines count as flattery? This guy seems to have made an artof it. I normally don't write columns to answer questions asked of me twoor more times by the same particular individual, but as usual, I'll make anexception.

Alright, everyone wake up and pay attention. Your most informative andprescient sage has returned from a brief sojourn to find a . . . gasp . . .well-written and intelligent query in his in-box. If you would not wish tosee your interrogations polymorphed into verbal mincemeat and fed to thehowling curs of public opinion, attempt to emulate this reader'scarefully-phrased question.

I may have to revoke my earlier editorial comment about psychologists. Whenstating that gamers tend to be above average intelligence, they are ofcourse referring to gamers that also happen to be human beings. I'm prettysure that this guy does not fit that criterion.

Psychologists are dirty liars! They say that people who play RPGs tend tohave above average intelligence, but I have ample evidence that suggestsotherwise. Observe.

A DM is supposed to have lots of power, right? Well, how much power is "lots" and how much rules-bending and re-defining can I do?

Why must players and DMs continue to invent ways to bypass all sense andreason by exploiting potential rules loopholes? Why do they continue tothink they can slip these sophistries past my watchful gaze?

This one's flattery does not conceal the fact that he could have spent 15 minutes looking up spell descriptions for himself.

Congratulations to this, a most humble and respectful supplicant. Inrecognition of your proper humility, I deign to give answer to yourquestion. Let's see those tears of joy again!

Oh one of great wisdom and sarcasim can't silent image copy the effects ofinvisability?

To the profound and sagacious Agimimnon,

I have a player that is trying to utilize his familiar to the fullest with the share spell ability. If you cast a spell such as shocking grasp, which lasts until discharged, can it stay in effect on your familiar indefinitely?

No, wait, STOP TALKING AND BREATHE! Okay, a question about archery? No not really. What exactly do you want here?

Remember the stupid Anti-Drug commercial where the woman smashed up a house with a frying pan? This guy lived in that house.

Make your players fear you! Make them beg for your generous mercy.

Oh goody, goody! I get to play in someone else's campaign for once! Better yet, I get to play in a game run by one of my annoying players! How exactly should I get the last laugh?

Just because you convinced your DM to let you play a half-dragon doesn't mean you can openly violate the rules!

There are a pair of contradictory statements in the PHB on page 148. Clarify what is going on, please.

I argue with my DM because he won't let me do this, but I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!

Agimimnon, you a #$@%@#$# who !#$#$#$ sheep and #%^^@! harry gnomes. %@#$%@ are the only word I knows

Are you honestly confused about touch spells, or do you actually like being called dense? That's the nicest word I can think of, given the fact that you were properly respectful. What can I say? You even quote the book.Too bad you don't understand what you're reading.

All you intelligent and respectful people writing in are going to give old Agimimnon a heart-attack! Quit it. Note how this individual checked the rules, checked with his DM, and then asked his question of me politely. And only one grammar mistake, which can easily be forgiven. All you Psychic Friends out there take notes.

Yet another player trying to wheedle his way past Agimimnon's Razor. Yawn.

"The feint option for rogues seems to be overpowered. What can I do to lessen its effects, besides like, uh, being the DM and invoking Rule 0?" And no I'm not going to harp on the guy's misspelling of rogue.

Does none of you have a sense of humor? Here's an example of the kind of bleeding-heart hate mail your learned host receives each day. Mr. I-know-all-about-you objects to my personal comments about the stupid people who write in, but how does he protest? By making personal attacks, based onthings which he could not reasonably possess knowledge.

Yet another respectful query. There may yet be hope for humanity.

Another Ill-mannered boor seeking knowledge without responsibility?

Please, please, oh please debunk my munchkin player, to whom I've caved in a few times too many!

Oh gee, I have a friend who can't make up his mind about what class to pick for his brand new character. Whatever shall I do?

I'm glad that someone around here has proper social graces. Learn from this one or face my wrath!

Speaking of spelling, obviously your name is fashioned after the Greek Agamemnon, King of Argos. Why did you feel the need to use it and not use the correct spelling? It just adds more confusion to the history of our world.

Do wonders never cease?

Hey there Oh Slack one who hasnt answered a question in 2 months.... Can you take 10 on a skill check...?

Yes, Agimimnon has returned to answer more of your senseless questions. Now where is my Scourge?

I'm not really sure what to say to something like this. It's not a question, and it's definitely lacking a decent salutation.

A respectable question regarding the removal of Called Shots from D&D. P.S. Check out his website. It rules.

You've got to read this to believe it. This is the best question I've ever seen, and it will get my best, most intelligent answer of all time!

I've been asked by several different people about how many feats one receives when multiclassing into a fighter at various levels.

This guy wants to know about golems and their immunities. The least he could have done was say hello? dont you think?

At last! An intelligent question worthy of my attention! As you all know, crossbows have to be reloaded. How, then, can you get an extra attack using Rapid Shot if your crossbow is empty?

I am growing really really tired of telling people to read the book.

Most undead take half damage from normal attacks... DMs should really know how to explain this to their players.

A detailed explanation of the difference between the monk's flurry of blows and two weapon fighting. This was actually a semi-intelligent question, once I could figure out what it was asking.

The children of the Love Canal speak! If this guy could cram one more spelling mistake into this question I think I'd award him a prize.

Help! I'm a druid and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with myself! A step by step user's guide to druids.

How much would it cost to make a sword that has +20 to hit? Yes, thats what you're asking folks, give me a long sword +20... only 2 easy payments of an arm, and a shipping and handling cost of 2 legs.

"Oh please Mr Fighter, please won't you break my bow in half and cut me to ribbons while I stand in front of you an try and shoot you with my bow and arrow?"

What the heck!? Summoning tables for the Summon Monster spell list a bunch of creatures that don't exist!?

You've got to read this to believe it. Apparently WotC "released" a draft of the PHB that included some seriously insane rules for race selection that involved some player's-option-like special power selections.

Dennis! Theres some lovely filth down here! A brief response to a question regarding multi and dual classing and what they've become.

A question was posed about the use of broad swords, and weapon finesse. Here is my reply.

Why dont you people yield to my greatness the first time around?

Does anyone actually READ the Players Handbook?

A brief thought on the possible reasoning behind why sorcerers have d4 hit points.

How do I find challenge ratings for converted monsters or new monsters?

There's a reason ninja warriors use swords and resort to silly weapons only when the need arises.

Por que os povos me emitem que as perguntas so Portugeuse?

My freinds and I are still trying to figur out the number of attacks we would have? This profound question deserves a profound answer...

My friend an I were discussing the pro's and con's of certain types of gauntlets and the monk's unarmed combat skills.

Had an interesting situation come up Saturday. The PCs had stumbled on a nest of giant ants (not house sized ants, but cat-sized ants). I had a hard time interpreting what AoO the PCs had as these ants swarmed.

My friend argued with me for over half an hour that a 3rd level Monk could use the deflect arrow feat to avoid the effect of a magic missile.

I'm none too bright. Unfortunately, my player rolled a lot of ones for my intelligence, so I'm having trouble making any sense at all from the XP details.

Well, how can I respond to the outpouring of responses to Mike's question, and my response?

A friend of mine made a 1st level human ranger using the character generator. The character has an 18 strength, expertise feat, and either weapon finesse or weapon focus. The character sheet printed up with a +10 to hit with his long sword.

My meager mind is trying to grasp the concept of the Attack of Opportunity. The rule book tells you about it, but it doesn't really give a great example (and I tend to learn by example).

I heard there was a Munchkin class, but the DM won't tell me anything about it or let me play one.

What, exactly, are hitpoints? It doesn't make sense that a 10th level fighter is so much physically tougher then a 1st level fighter.

The greatest gypsy mystery of all is explained; the origins of bugbears.

Exactly how does a human female get pregnant with a Dragon's offspring and give birth to a Half-Dragon?!